Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Attended her father's wake, and found myself seated with a few couples in their 50's, friends of her parents. She and her mother were also at the table, recounting and reminiscing, at times with sad-smiling humour, the final hours, the period of illness, his stubborn refusal to take his medicine, and reaffirming the good in the man. And I remembered how it was also like this at my maternal grandmother's wake. It reminded me of support groups, except this was not among the "anonymous".

Customs and rituals are more intricately woven into our lives than we realise. Wakes are not just about honouring the dead; they are also a means of beginning the healing process for the living. Instead of avoiding the topic, talk about the deceased is socially sanctioned, even expected and encouraged.

It got me thinking about how people cope with loss and grief. Keeping busy and getting on with daily life is certainly important, sooner or later. But facing up to what has happened, instead of being in denial, is just as critical to our emotional recovery.

So I think that when a couple breaks up, mourning sessions should be organised right after. As this is an activity that understandably, is unlikely to be participated in with equal fervour by both parties, the broken-hearted (obviously) will then have to take it upon himself/herself to organise such a session.

He/she will need a photo of the ex, if not an entire photo album of pictures taken during their times together, to be placed on the main coffee table, as the guests arrive. A registry for friends to record their condolences may also be included. Depending on personal preferences and his/her level of self-control, mementos from the relationship can be placed around the house, or the confines of one's bedroom, or just any box, to allow glimpses into the relationship and also to serve as conversation starters.

It will also be most considerate and helpful for the friends to minimise the burden on the host/hostess, by showing up with some light refreshments. Nothing too rich (beware the comfort eater) or alcoholic; perhaps fruit salad, wasabi chips (for stuffy noses), some soothing camomile teabags; and don't forget tissue paper for the teary-eyed.

Don't be afraid to let your friends know. At the very least, you wouldn't have to keep repeating yourself ad nauseam on different days and occasions. Hey, your friends could even help spread the word for you, and perhaps, after a suitable lapse of time, get you back into the meat market again. That being said, bringing along a prospective to the mourning is a no-no -- there is such a thing as too much information. And bringing your own shoulder for him/her to cry on, whilst slipping a foot in the door, might just backfire in ways you've never dreamed possible.

Notes:

1. A bonfire, to send remnants of your relationship up in flames, is optional; depending on whether you live on landed property with a generous backyard; whether your neighbours are likely to summon the fire engine at the first sign of smoke; and how much symbolism you place on the act of cleansing by fire.

2. A pinata, in the likeness of your ex, is however, NOT advised. Aggression is hardly constructive in the recovery process.